"Walk properly by me girl, or I'll put you over my knee here and now." Healmost spat the words. "An remember, if ya don't behave I'm gonna publishyour...pretty pictures."With a feeling of dread and a fluttering heart, I gave in and went alongwith him, holding his hand as if he was either my boyfriend or my parent.I kept my eyes down all the time we were in there, I couldn't look up, Icouldn't face anybody, the humiliation constantly bubbling inside me. Wetook a trolley which he pushed with one. About two months into the initial phase of my illness is when I realized how fucked I truly was. At that point, they hadn’t found a reliable way for me to speak on a regular basis yet. I couldn’t work. Couldn’t pay enough attention to watch TV. Couldn’t write fiction. It was then I started thinking about suicide. You start asking questions. Just how bad am I willing to let it get before I say fuck it? What will living as a cripple cost my family vs living without me? Will my wife love me?I. After three months of my stay there, one day my husband called from work and told me that tomorrow he will be going to Brussels for 2 days on business trip. I was elated thinking that would be my best opportunity to make my dream come true. Next day morning, after my hubby left for Brussels, I invited Nil for a dinner at my place. To my utter delight, Nil immediately agreed to join me for the evening. I knew that this evening (April 19th, 2003) would be the D-day of my life.Nil was much well. Here every street was lined with the sort of shops that were found on most high streets in England so I pointed then towards a road at the side of the bank and we headed down there.The street was quite narrow, not wide enough for two cars side by side that were for sure. What I noticed instantly about this street though was the atmosphere; it was a lot more edgy than the other drinking areas we’d walked through. At the top of the street were two dingy little bars frequented by what I can only.
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